Alfred is God
by Seito
Summary: Each member of the team gets to learn why Alfred is awesome, whether they want it or not. Alfred is the best there is. R&R


I own nothing.

Filled for the YJ anon meme prompt.

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><p>1. Robin<p>

"Where is he?"

Alfred resisted the urge to sigh. For the umpteen time Ramon Hertz was complaining. He had shown up half an hour ago, eager to discuss with Bruce about plans for a merger. Upon his arrival he discovered that Bruce was not home.

"As I had said, Mr. Hertz, Master Bruce is out picking up Master Richard from school," Alfred said. "They will return shortly." He heard the sound of feet running up the stairs. It was most likely that Bruce and Dick had returned. Judging from the footsteps, that was likely Dick running up the stairs which meant Bruce was parking the car and would be in shortly.

"Damnit. Bruce had to just pick up a charity case," Ramon said darkly. At the very same time he said those words, Dick had passed by the open door of the room. Ramon had his back to the door and didn't notice the young child's appearance. Alfred on the other hand had.

Dick looked utterly crushed. Instead of with the normal exuberant energy he displayed, Dick's shoulders slouched and began to shuffle towards his room.

Alfred walked over to Ramon. "Mr. Hertz," Alfred said. "I believe you have overstayed your welcome. Please leave. Now."

Ramon looked offended. "What why?"

Alfred simply gave him The Look. The Look was usually reserved for when Dick was misbehaving or when Bruce wasn't listening to reason, only this was more amplified. Ramon wilted.

"Fine I'll just leave!" Ramon scurried out of the house.

As soon as he was gone, Alfred left the room in search of Dick. He found the boy huddled under his blanket. Alfred found himself biting his lip in regret that he did not throw his silver platter at Ramon's head as he was leaving. Dick had only moved into the Manor a few months ago and had _finally_started to get comfortable. Ramon had gone and destroyed that.

"Alfred?"

Alfred looked to see Bruce walking towards him, confused. Alfred gestured to Dick. Instantly Bruce's mood darkened. "How?" he asked.

"Mr. Hertz," Alfred said neutrally.

"I see," Bruce said. He walked into the room, taking a seat next to the lump on the bed. Gently he began to rub circles on Dick's back as the boy trembled under the blanket.

"I will get the cookies sir."

"Thank you Alfred."

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><p>2. Kid Flash<p>

When Dick had hinted that Batman's civilian ID might be from old money, Wally had jokingly made the remark that Batman must have a Batbutler then.

He didn't think he was _right. _

But thank god he was.

It was the third time Wally had been to Gotham since meeting Robin and Batman. He was still new to the whole superhero business but meeting Robin had boosted his confidence and Uncle Barry had said he was improving in leaps and bounds. Wally liked to think that he wasn't overconfidence but perhaps he actually was.

Nothing had gone right that night.

Flash and Batman had taken the north side of Gotham, leaving Robin and Kid Flash the south side. Wally and Robin lurked around in the shadows, laughing quietly to themselves, but overall it a peaceful night.

Until a gunfight broke out in the docks.

While trying to break up the fight, Robin had gotten shot. The force of the bullet sent the smaller teen flying into the water. Without a second thought, Wally divided into the water, his heart racing in fear. Robin wasn't suppose to get hurt because he was _Robin_ and Wally can't stand the thought of loosing is _best_friend.

By the time he pulled Robin out the water, the gunfight had died down. The gunmen were tied up, bruised and beaten. Standing in the middle of them, tying up the last gang member, was an elderly looking man. After he finished, he walked over to Wally and Robin and began tending to the Boy Wonder's wound.

"A," Robin weakly said, before slipping into unconsciousness.

The man looked at Wally. "If you would be so kind Mr. Kid Flash, to help me move Master Robin to the Batcave where I can better tend to him."

Three hours, forty seven minutes, and nineteen heart wrenching seconds later, Wally found himself inside the Batcave, still wearing a hole in the ground. (God he hoped Batman doesn't kill him for this later but he's still too freaked out over Robin and the fact that his best friend got seriously hurt to worry about what Batman is gonna do to him after he discovered that Wally just wore a hole in the ground.) Batbutler had taken Robin into a private medical room and had been performing surgery since.

Three hours, forty nine minutes, and twenty heart wrenching seconds later, Batbutler finally came out. He pulled out off bloody green gloves and looked at Wally. "Master Robin will be fine, Mr. Kid Flash. The wound is was shallow, though falling into the cold water did cause his body to go into shock. He'll require plenty of bed rest for the next few days however. He's currently resting."

Wally let out breath of relief. Robin was okay, that was all that mattered. It was then his stomach growled, reminding its owner that he needed food and soon. His cheeks grew red in embarrassment.

Batbutler didn't even bat an eyelash (or so Wally assumed. It was hard to tell with that domino mask on.) "Ah yes, your fast metabolism," Batbutler said. "I believe I have some cookies to help tie you over until I can cook up something more proper."

It was then and there that Wally decided that Batbutler was God.

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><p>3. Aqualad<p>

It was a bad mission.

A terrible mission in fact. Kaldur was simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. They had failed to complete the mission and everyone was hurt, especially _Robin_. It had only taken that one mission to Gotham years back for Kaldur to learn that Batman does **not**like it when Robin gets hurt.

To say Batman was terrifying when Robin was hurt was a severe understatement.

Batman looked _angry_. Kaldur could already hear the tongue lashing that the man would be giving him. The rest of his teammates were already in the infirmary being tended to by Red Tornado, leaving Kaldur to face Batman alone.

The Dark Knight was about to open his mouth when someone interrupted him.

"Master Batman. I believe the debriefing can wait until morning no?"

Did Batman just _flinch?_

Kaldur shifted his protesting aching body to see who would darn to interrupt THE Batman. Standing behind the Dark Knight was an elderly butler. There was a silver platter tucked under one arm and a large bag in the other.

"Agent A," Batman said in a gruff voice. "Why are you here?"

Agent A didn't even twitch at Batman's harsh tone. "You said the children had a rough night. I had assumed that Master Robin and his teammates would appreciate some hot cocoa and cookies." He pushed pass Batman and headed towards the infirmary.

For a moment Batman tensed and Kaldur feared that Dark Knight would actually pounced Agent A.

His fears were unwarranted.

"Yes Master Batman," Agent A said, interrupting Batman before he said anything. "I did bring enough for you as well."

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><p>4. Superboy<p>

Superman had no idea why Bruce wanted to see him. All he got was an urgent call from Alfred to show up at the Manor. He promptly dropped what he was doing and was at that Manor a few moments later.

He walked into the living room and sitting on the couch was Superboy.

Cue massive amounts of confusions and a tint of guilt at Superboy's hopeful-but-quickly-turned-into-anger expression.

"Alfred?" Clark asked, as the butler appeared next to him carrying a plate full of cookies. "What's going on?"

Alfred offered the plate of cookies to Superboy who gratefully accepted one. Clark could see that Superboy was silently asking the same question as him.

"This is an intervention Mr. Kent," Alfred said calmly. "You need to talk to Superboy. I honestly do not like the fact that I cannot address him other than Superboy. If you do not want to be his father, very well, however you do not have a choice in being his mentor. You are the only who can properly train him in his abilities."

Clark refused to whimper as Alfred unleashed "The Look" on him. Okay maybe just a tiny whimper.

"So, Mr. Kent. You and Superboy are going to sit and talk. Both of you are not going to leave this room until you have all your issues sorted out, starting with giving Superboy a proper name. Do I make myself clear?" Alfred asked.

Both Superboy and Superman nodded.

"Good. Anything that gets broken Mr. Kent, including walls, will be coming from your paycheck." With those words, Alfred walked out of the room and locked the doors.

A moment of silence fell.

Then Superboy said, "I really like his cookies."

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><p>5. Artemis<p>

Bullies were a constant in life.

Artemis had long accepted this social pest and had fully expected to be a victim when she had transferred to Gotham Academy. She already knew she would be a social stigma and was planning the next three years of her life playing invisible.

What she didn't expect was to see Bruce Wayne's ward getting the same treatment. Regardless of the fact that he was a "charity case" he was still the ward of the richest man in Gotham. Artemis didn't think there would be idiots who would pick on Richard Grayson. Then again children can be the cruelest.

"Hey! Stop picking him!"

Artemis didn't know what compelled her to jump into the fight between Richard and some bullies. There went her plan on staying invisible for the next three years.

"What are you doing?" Richard hissed at her, more confused than surprised at her involvement.

"Standing up for you," she hissed back.

"Aww looks like Dickie got a girlfriend," one of the taller boys teased.

"If you think we're above hitting girls, babe, you're sadly mistaken," said another one. He flung his fist at Artemis. She closed her eyes, prepared to take the hit because she can't let her secret identity slip. The hit never came.

Artemis opened her eyes to see the bully being pinned to the ground by a butler.

"Alfred," Richard said breathlessly behind her.

"Young sir," Alfred addressed the bully. "It is improper for a young man like yourself to hit a young lady."

Alfred hoisted the young man to his feet and gave the bullies a look. _'No not a look,'_ Artemis thought to herself. _'"THE Look". The same one mom gives to me when I'm not my chores.' _

Without another word, the bullies took off running. Alfred dusted his hands and turned his attention back to Artemis and Richard.

"Master Richard," he said. "Young Miss. Are you two alright?"

Richard had a wide splitting grin on his face. There was something familiar about that tugged at Artemis' mind. "Just fine," he said.

Alfred nodded. "Then I believe we should look at that cut then." He gestured to Richard's bruised lip.

Richard's grin grew bigger. "Then cookies?"

Alfred chuckled. "Yes then cookies."

Richard looked at Artemis. She's still half distracted trying to figure out why Richard's grin looked so damn familiar. "Want some cookies Artemis?" He then let out a laugh. Artemis' eyes go wide as the pieces suddenly clicked together into place.

The first thing she can only blurt out was, "I thought Wally was joking about the Batbutler thing!"

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><p>6. Miss Martian<p>

Megan was so excited. She had asked shyly asked Robin for help with her cooking. Robin had redirected to Agent A (or Alfred as he asked).

First thing was first; they had to buy all the proper ingredients for the meal. Alfred took her the nearest 24 hours market and had proceeded to teach her useful tips about food such as how to know when lemon was overripe and no longer good to which was the better cut of meat to buy. It was late at night so it was only Megan, Alfred and a lone cashier in the front.

She was having so much fun that when the trip was interrupted by a robbery, she was upset. However before Megan can go invisible and take care of the robbers, a silver platter comes flying out of nowhere. It hit one of the robbers, knocking them unconscious.

"Who threw that!" the second robber asked. He took his gun and aimed it at the cashier who promptly ducked behind the counter in fear. A silver knife was quickly embedded into his hand, causing him to drop the gun. A quick punch to the gut, and the robber dropped like a sack of potatoes.

Megan helped tied up the robbers as Alfred carefully suggested to the cashier that it was probably Batman, because Alfred was old and his eyes were too good but who else would be able to take down the robbers so swiftly and quickly?

Once the robbers were arrested, slightly altered stories were given to the police, Alfred and Megan left the market with ingredients in toll. After they were a block away, Alfred turned to look at her. "Well then, that made for an interesting evening. How about we bake some cookies instead? You can learn how to prepare Pot-au-feu tomorrow night. "

Megan nodded. "Yes please!" Cookies were the best after all.

* * *

><p>7. Red Arrow<p>

"Alfred?"

"Yes Mr. Roy?"

Roy was half sure this was all one big disillusion that his mind was feeding him. Given that the room was spinning, his head was pounding and he felt like throwing up in a bucket, it wouldn't be too far fetch of an idea.

"Why are you here?" Roy managed to get out.

"Master Richard informed me that you were sick. Since he is not allowed to skip school, he requested if I could check up on you," Alfred said as a matter of fact. He handed Roy a bowl of soup.

Roy refused it. He was not a child; he didn't need someone to look after him. "Go home Alfred. I can take care of myself. I'll be fine. I'm not a child."

Roy wilted slightly at the look of disappointment on Alfred's face. That man's looks were deadly. "Master Richard also informed me that despite the fact that you discovered the fact that you were sick three days ago, you continue to go out at night to patrol the city on top of maintaining a job and attending school."

Roy coughed. "Have to pay the bills and can't let my grades drop, Alfred."

"Which is why Master Bruce has already paid your bills for the month, Master Richard already arranged to pick up your school work and he and Mr. Wallace will be coming over tomorrow to help you through it." Alfred pushed the bowl of soup back toward Roy who refused it again.

"I still have to do patrols," Roy argued. "And tell Bruce to stop paying my goddamn bills. I can take care of myself."

Alfred gave Roy "The Look". Roy immediately wilted. Damnit he was sick! He shouldn't be suffering under Alfred's Looks.

"I find it hard to believe that you are capable of taking care of yourself when you do not take proper measures to get better when you are sick, Mr. Roy."

Roy stomped down the urge to whimper. Then "The Look" disappeared. Roy hesitantly looked at Alfred who looked like the elderly man he was… and a bit smug?

"But since you insist on denying me from helping you, I'm afraid I have no choice but to inform Mr. Queen and Ms. Lance about your… inadequate choices," Alfred said, taking the bowl of soup of away. "I believe Ms. Lance said that if you were going to be… I believe her choice of words was 'a stubborn ass' you were going to move in with her whether you wanted it or not and since she is planning to marry Mr. Queen next month…."

Roy fell silent; his eyes wide. "Give me the soup Alfred."

"A wise choice, Mr. Roy."

"Do I get cookies?"

"If you behave, yes."

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><p>Please Review. :3<p> 


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